When your man makes a valid point
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Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
good work, detective
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs