If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
How to woo a woman
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
next question.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here