*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?