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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems