wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.