I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.