“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else