I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The three genders
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.