First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.