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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.