A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
WHY?!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Don’t snitch tag.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough