u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no