Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
twitter users today:
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal