Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫