I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Did I do this right
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
iPhone X
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Is this a threat?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.