[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong