*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.