honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea