I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My neck, my back, my…
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE