So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.