9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.