Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.