Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
smartest karate player in the world
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
True freaking story!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.