check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.