My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
You Might Also Like
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
where do you see yourself in five years?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.