“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.