I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.