*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I have never related to a cat more
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.