Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
How dude HOW?!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe