children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”