If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!