Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
You Might Also Like
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am