“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic