I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Just this preview of the story is enough
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.