*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase