I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I am, perchance
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.