The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
When ur friends with white people
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him