My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The internet is full of many things
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.