curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial