Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna