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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
They must have gotten it to go.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!