[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.