I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”