Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.