HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking