*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.