*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE