that’s really how it is
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The answer is funnier than the question
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.