Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
my name if I was in the mob
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?