my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.